I am Not a Nerd But I Acted Like One

One of my friends advised me to write a bit about myself the other day. The fans are desperate to know more about me, he said. So, here I am, writing about my private life. I have to tell you, I am typing this real fast, at a hundred words per minute or so, lest I forget the important parts of my life. I have a very short memory mind you and so I have decided to touch upon only a few aspects this time. A life changing event, I choose to divulge to the public.

I was this simple guy back in school. My mother used to put sufficient quantity of hair oil onto my head and make me dress in shorts and a half sleeved shirt for school right up until when I was in the ninth standard or so. Nobody took any interest in me. Books were my only friends. I used to go to school and sit in the last bench and just mind my studies. Not that I was great at studies. I was rather average. There were these brilliant smart guys who used to make fun of me. I was not one to participate in the extra curricular activity either. I just used to mind my studies although I was just about average and that was about it. My life was really dull, so to speak.

I joined college. Now at that age, you know how it is, hormones surging and all that stuff. I was no exception to this cruel trick of nature. I wanted to be with the girls, you know. Have cool friends and all. I tried, tried real hard. But no luck. With the real smart ones around, I stood no chance at all. I was desperate. Now this is an aspect of my life, which the ardent fan would not appreciate very much, I suspect. But that was how it was. I have to speak the truth once in a while. Fiction is only good in storybooks. When you are writing an autobiography, you need to be truthful, I am told. Well, you can hide those embarrassing details, like, you know, when you shat in your pants in primary school, you were a victim of enuresis, and all those kinds of gory details. But most of it you need to cover.

I was out of college and I found myself a job. Well it was not a very high profile job, I have to admit. But it was enough to earn me the daily bread and stuff. I was the assistant head clerk at the local post office. Those days the pay was not so bad though. But you had to be a bit frugal to maintain even standard of living throughout the month. This was one area that I was extremely good at. I was relatively well settled in life and relatively happy. To be really happy you need to share it with someone, I was made to believe. And soon the big question raised its ugly head. I was on the lookout again. But again, no luck.

One of those days I was buying groceries for the week at a local grocery store. I met a girl. Incidentally, she was buying grocery too. She was amazingly beautiful - the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. I realized instantly that she was the one I was waiting for. She did not look at me though. She appeared very smart but simple at the same time. A woman who knew how to do her own grocery shopping. I waited for her to finish, outside. Not that anybody was noticing. I stealthily followed her. Found out she was just living two houses apart. And from then on, I would always try to find an opportunity to be near her. She never noticed though.

A close friend took notice of the series of events and cornered me with queries. I spilled all the beans. I had to. I stood no chance to his probing questions. But he turned out to be a sympathizer. And life was never the same again. When I look back, it only seems like a distant hazy dream, that earlier self of mine.

I was asked by my friend to become a nerd. I looked up the dictionary and found that nerd was someone who is rather boring and took no interest in anything in life but books or some such dull subject. That I already was, I told him. But he explained me the deeper significance of being a nerd. The real nerd, he meant. Everyone is crazy about nerds these days, he said. They just talk all the time about nerds behind their backs without the nerds ever suspecting and they would simply fight tooth and nail to be in the company of one. He took complete command over the project of my transformation.

And from then on, things changed. They changed for the better. I went to the optician and got myself fitted with a pair of spectacles. Not the one for myopic vision, a fake one with zero power, as they call. I grew my hair long and did a ponytail thing. I even started listening to some really hard music, the metal, death metal, heavy metal and all that stuff. Not that I followed anything that they sang. Even today I never understand a word. But I took pains to go to the British library and find all the lyrics of heavy metal and death metal. I had them at the tip of my tongue in no time. I was real good at memorizing stuff especially when I did not need to know their meanings. I even got myself an ipod. It took a toll on my bank balance. Not that I had one. I had to take a loan. And all the time I pretended to listen to the ipod thing. It was real cool. I suddenly started having this feeling that I was the best of the lot. I did not have any more of that inferiority complex that I always used to have. I was on top of the world as they say.

I went to the same grocery store with my ipod on and with the ponytail and with the glasses. I had put on a pair of loose jeans with the underwear showing from the top of the rim and all – specifically for the occasion. I said hi. And heads turned. I was the centre of attention with immediate effect. I could hardly believe myself. I gave the vague hollow look. You know, the look which seems to pass through the person apparently gazing at some unknown distant object. Conversation followed soon after.

Without dragging on this any further, let me tell you that I found love. I found love in the grocery store girl. We even got married. And we are happily living ever after. Only thing is, I have to listen to the ipod and damn those heavy metal stuff! So I took to writing, just as a temporary respite.